Pagan Jokes

Misc. Jokes

If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich?

What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey?
The Blessed Bee!

What do you say to an angry witch?
Ribbit

What's the difference between a Pagan and a New Ager?
A decimal point. What you'll pay $300 to a New Age practitioner for, you can
get from the local Pagans for $30.

How do you tell a NewAge witch from a neoPagan Witch?
You throw them both in the water. The neoPagan Witch will float, whereas the
NewAge Witch will sink under the weight of all their (overpriced) crystals....

What happens when a Cerimonial Magician gets angry?
He goes Qua-ballistic.

Blonde Jokes

Why did the blond pagan have a lasso?
She wanted to draw down the moon.

Why did the blond pagan have a remote control?
She wanted to channel.

How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
There's white-out on the floor.

Circle Ettiquette (varied sources)

  * Never summon Anything you can't banish.

  * Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.

  * Do not blow your nose on the sleeve of your neighbor's robe during an
    initation.

  * Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual
    jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.

  * When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer,
    and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"

  * Never laugh at someone skyclad. They can see you, too.

  * Never, *ever* set the witch on fire.

  * Avoid stenciling True Names on underwear and personal effects

  * Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient
    grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so
    that your madness and gibberings will make some sense.

  * A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential. In the event of
    a random impaling (see next rule) or other accidental death amongst the
    participants a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion.
    Make them another sacrifice. Demons like those.

  * Watch where you wave the sharp pointy bits.

  * Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.

  * Carry an all purpose translators dictionary in case the ritual leader
    begins talking in some strange and unknown foreign language.

  * Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.

  * If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or
    reservations, sign your neighbours name. Malevolent entities rarely check
    for proper spelling.

  * Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.

  * While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the
    names of the Dark Lords is generally considered bad form.

  * If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise
    your hand. While volunteering will likely gain you stature and prestige
    amongst the group allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is
    equally likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling
    demonic hoarde.